As someone who's always struggled with platitudes and always felt that common words and phrases can be "cheesy" or not feel like anything, I really appreciate this post. I'm a man of service and action, so the list of things to do like chores and grocery shopping is always a great reminder.
I lost a close friend a few years ago, and the relationship was very complicated as she spiraled into substance abuse and suffered from a serious head trauma. My experience with her mother, which we were close too, was/is strange as she's very flighty and often won't respond to me trying to make plans with her. I wish I had did more of inserting myself into her life to help move/cool/do chores when it really counted... There's a lot of things I wish I did differently. I think deep down is was my own fear of dealing with the ugly reality of what happened, and I didn't want my life to change so much.
I'm not a very emotional person and I never really want or need support - so it's hard for me to really envision what I personally would want.
However my go-to response is really just not to say anything. I tend to just sit quietly with the person, showing that I'm here, I'm going through this with you, and that I'm not in a rush to be rid of your grief.
Lovely essay and funny Dad memory, Melissa. I've read two wonderful books that gave similar insight and relatable anecdotes. "The End of Your Life Bookclub" by Will Schwalbe and "The Etiquette of Illness" by Susan B Halpern.
As someone who's always struggled with platitudes and always felt that common words and phrases can be "cheesy" or not feel like anything, I really appreciate this post. I'm a man of service and action, so the list of things to do like chores and grocery shopping is always a great reminder.
I lost a close friend a few years ago, and the relationship was very complicated as she spiraled into substance abuse and suffered from a serious head trauma. My experience with her mother, which we were close too, was/is strange as she's very flighty and often won't respond to me trying to make plans with her. I wish I had did more of inserting myself into her life to help move/cool/do chores when it really counted... There's a lot of things I wish I did differently. I think deep down is was my own fear of dealing with the ugly reality of what happened, and I didn't want my life to change so much.
Anyway, thanks again!
I clearly don't find much currency in platitudes either! Glad to find someone else who agrees!
I'm not a very emotional person and I never really want or need support - so it's hard for me to really envision what I personally would want.
However my go-to response is really just not to say anything. I tend to just sit quietly with the person, showing that I'm here, I'm going through this with you, and that I'm not in a rush to be rid of your grief.
Showing up and just being there no matter the discomfort matters so much. That’s great!
Lovely essay and funny Dad memory, Melissa. I've read two wonderful books that gave similar insight and relatable anecdotes. "The End of Your Life Bookclub" by Will Schwalbe and "The Etiquette of Illness" by Susan B Halpern.
Thank you for the recs! I’ll look those up!
Great post and great story!
Thank you! So glad you enjoyed it.
This is really helpful, Melissa. And I love the story about your dad vs the woodpecker!
Thank you!